Friday, October 29, 2010

How to get your man to open up in a relationship

How To Get Your Boyfriend To Open Up In Your Relationship

One thing male bloggers brings to the table that’s different from regular men in society is we are vocal about our feelings and opinions about sex, dating and relationships. Most men just don’t talk much. I don’t get it. There are men who just don’t believe in talking to other men, but that has nothing to do with their girlfriend or wife. Those men just don’t talk to anyone. If you don’t use your abilities, you will lose them. I’m sure that we would all like to believe that if we had to speak up we could. But you will forget how, if you never practice. It’s doesn’t matter if your boyfriend never likes talking about your relationship; past, present or future. He still has to.

First important step to getting him to open up is avoiding those phrases that make him shut down or lie through their teeth. I shouldn’t have to tell you, but the phrase, “We need to talk,” is the worst thing you can say to a man. He just climbs into a shell and refuses to come out. Do not say this to him before or after sex. This is when men get extremely sexually frustrated or they are liable to lie straight through their teeth. I, Personally, do not have relationship conversation while riding in a car. There’s something about not being able to get away that just causes me to become irritable.

Figure out how your boyfriend communicates and learns. People communicate and learn differently, through visuals, communication, and reading. (Keep in mind, this is not about getting your boyfriend to learn how to express himself in the way that you think a man should. You just want him to express himself.) If your boyfriend is not good at talking, it might be a good idea to write him a letter. Sometimes, watching a movie helps me realize a flaw in my relationship or something that I may be doing wrong. Try different mediums of communicating.

Do a self assessment of yourself. A lot of times men feel that whatever they say will inevitably lead to an argument or him being attacked. If he typically says things like, “Don’t scream at me” replying, “I’m not screaming at you,” is counterproductive. And, if you usually open up discussions about an issue you have with him by asking him about your relationship, realize that you’re never going to get him to open up about anything.

For example;
Natasha: What do you think about our sex life?
Joe: I think it’s fine. I mean, we both have hectic schedules so it’s not as much as it used to be.
Natasha: I know. That’s what I was thinking. Why are you always so tired that you can’t make love to me?
Joe: [mumbles to himself, “Not this again”]

However, be sure not to coddle or pacify your boyfriend. If you treat your baby like a baby, he will behave like a baby. Talk to him directly in an adult voice. Use his name and not pet names. If he gets irritable and refuses to communicate like an adult, stop trying and let him talk to you when he’s ready to act like an adult. Don’t be super nice, though. It will come across as though you want something, and men just get suspicious when our lady is being too nice.

To recap, please be nice to him. It’s not every day that you are going to get a man to open up to you about his feelings or about how he feels about your relationship. Make sure the reason you are not able to have this conversation is not because you aren’t in a position to. And lastly, try communicating on his medium of choice. As he becomes more comfortable in his area, he will start to be open to talking in your area. Open and healthy communication is the key to a great relationship. Seek it out and never refuse to keep trying...

Written by Dr J. for Bitchielife

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Shoes for the Ladies

Cultural Evolution-Sexual Revolution

As culture evolves, everything in and around also changes, including sex (sexual behaviour). Not so many years ago it was taboo to talk about SEX, or even mention the word SEX.How people used to giggle or blush just at the mention of the word SEX. This is all a thing of the past, we carelessly talk about SEX anywhere these days.Whether premarital,Homosexual,Oral SEX, Orgies,Swinging(swapping partners),Masturbation,Sex Toys etc in whatever term or context, SEX is a word or conversation that is thrown in the air more often than not.At work, in public transport, parties, restaurants evrywhere people arent affraid or shy to talk about SEX.

It leads me to question, what has brought this change? and is this change for good or bad? Most of us ar quick to blame TV as the root to moral degradation, but we fail to realise that we have evolved therefore morals, culture and everything in it also evolves with life. Current times have led to women being empowered and Gender equality, personally i dont see anything wrong with empowering a woman financially, but this has also lead to emancipation of her sexual being. Todays woman is not affraid to tell her partner what she wants in bed, and is not affraid to initiate sex. Gender equality means men and women are equal, so what a man can do, a woman can also do.(and that includes sleeping around).

Sexual behaviour has evolved to include accepting Homosexuality. Back in the day those with a sexual prefference of the same sex were shunned upon, but now they can freely express themselves. We have also come to terms with premarital sex, in the hey days, one had to be married a virgin, but now its natural to have sex before marriage (with more than 1 partner). Most married couples have had cases of infedility as people have become accepting cheating practices.

Has this all been brought about by TV or its just Culture thats changing and we have just have to accept it. We have accepted that women can be presidents, we have accepted men can have piercings and long hair, we have accepted that women can wear rousers (believe me this wasnt the case in my culture in the hey days), we have accepted polygamy,divorce etc.This is all part of who we are today, so is SEX. People should have SEX with whoever they want to, when they want to, how ever they want to (ref to anal sex here-whether between 2 males or 1 male and 1 female), this is all purely ones choice right?

As we accepted certain things in our culture to change, we have accept everything else that comes with it. You cant accept one part and reject the other!

I leave you with this? What is this sexula revolution, or evolution going to come to? People having sex on busstops?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Why Are We Always Labeled “Gold-Diggers”? by LR Knight

Why Are We Always Labeled “Gold-Diggers”?!- by Written by LJ Knight

One of the most prominent complaints I hear from the brothas about dating sistas is the generalization that we are all gold diggers. If you read any blog posts, message board or even eavesdrop on conversations among a group of brothas and the topic is Black women, one of the primary choices of descriptions that will be used several times is the word “gold digger”.

When I hear this term thrown around, it always confuses me. When did the Black woman get the reputation of being the biggest gold diggers of all time? It seems to me that women of every race exhibit some type of “gold digger” behaviors. Let’s be honest, the average women would prefer a man who is financially stable and able to care for her if it was needed. Most women do not go out on a night on the town and think to themselves “Wow, I sure hope I meet a broke a**man. That sure would make my life complete.” The need for a woman to be secure financially with a man is not a matter of ethnicity. It is a natural need that almost every woman desires on some level. Of course some women desire this more strongly than others, but we all prefer it. Any woman that denies it completely is in denial herself.

This is why it always flabbergasted me when the stereotype of the Black woman being the biggest gold digger in the world manifested itself a reality for men. I never understood they people subscribed to this. What makes the Black woman in particular so different than any other woman who would prefer a financially successful man? Don’t think too hard because I already have the answer to the question. Nothing. Nothing makes Susie and her desires for financially stability different that Monique’s same needs.

In fact the only explanation that I can possibly think of which differentiates a Black woman who wants a financially stable man versus a White woman with the same desire aside from ethnicity, is approach. Many Black women are naturally direct and vocal about their opinions, thoughts, wants and ideas. It would be expected for them to be equally forthright about their desires in a mate. While our White counterparts move like ninja’s. They appear to be stealth like in their plans and desires. They will quietly go after the man with the biggest wallet. While never making her intentions known to anyone. Not even the man she is trying to acquire. Before he knows it, she has him and they are ring shopping and she has his credit card in her newly purchased Gucci purse. A gift from him. See the difference? Both women might have the same end game in mind but the Black woman is the one that gets discredited for it.

The curious part to this stereotype is that if you pay attention to the media, pop culture, and society in general, there is a direct contradiction to it. There has always been a correlation between White women purposely seeking out men with money more so than Black women or any other ethnicity of women. Think about this, we see it in our everyday lives and even in entertainment. A prime example of this is the running joke that once a Black man becomes successful and his finances grow, he immediately must marry a White woman. Often these are the same White women who would otherwise have nothing to do with these men if they could not put a ball in the hoop or make that touchdown. Sure it is funny and we laugh about it, but there is truth to this analysis. Logically, wouldn’t that make White women fit the role of a gold digger more?

I say all of this to come to this one closing point. Black women deserve the title of “gold-digger” no more so than White women, Latin women, Middle Eastern women, and any other ethnicity of woman that you could bring to the discussion. A woman is a woman and truthfully speaking most women would prefer a man that is financially stable over one that can’t keep a job. That is not Gold Digging 101, rather it is plain and good common sense. The true reason why the Black woman has been crowned “Queen of Men Eaters” I will never know. Do you?

( follow the link below for more from LR Knight)

Monday, October 25, 2010

I dont date out of my "League"

The other day i was having dinner with one of my girlfriends at a hotel somehwere in town. We were having such a good time until she just became stiff and said "ouch my ex is here" i looked around and i couldnt see anyone that could have been her ex. she eventually pointed him out to me; specs: fat, pot bellied, looked about 15-20 years older than her,was dressed in chinos and docks in a hotel. He came over to say hie, and i was disturbed. He couldnt even converse in proper english terms or verbs, hence my conclusion (uneducated). This girl is really georgous, pressed and trim, intelligent and articulate, i couldnt understand what she could have ssen in this man.

It had me thinking up until now, do women just settle for anything in pants just because they are desperate? Do we lower our standards in the hope that maybe we've been aiming too high and thats why we are still single? Or was she really in love? I cant get that vision to work, her and him, it simply doesnt "click". So i had to find out. I called her up and asked her how the relationship was and why they broke up etc.

The guy was a cousin of another one of her friends, they dated for a while. Was it serious? Apparently she though so,but i guess he didnt, as he had been seeing someone else behind her back. After much probing and all, she eventually confessed that she had dated men in her "league" and the relationships hadn't worked so she thought if she found a simple guy, he would worship her and it would work.

So i find myself asking,is it ok to date someone who is out of your league? What are the odds of such a relationship based on lies working? Are we guaranteed to find happiness and true love by hiding our true self? How do you even know you are truly compartable with someone? Should we use demographics in choosing partners or should we chuck out that "check-list" and go in with our eyes closed? But most importantly, How do i determine what my league is? Or are slowly becoming vain?

Is it so bad to want someone who is in the same zone-space as you? Be it physically,Education wise,Financially and even emotionally? Wont that make the relationship better if you're in the same state of mind? Or should we just trust our hearts and make a go at dating without much thought?